Detecting a Narcissist’s Lies

Body Language for Finding Truth and Freedom

Originally published on January 29, 2018; edited and republished December 2021

I realized I was a gullible people pleaser after a too-good-to-be-true job blew up in my face and almost left me stranded in Los Angeles. After a thirty-hour bus ride back home to Nebraska, with tons of time to think about all the red flags I’d carelessly ignored, I decided it was time to change the way I dove into situations. I sensed a new awareness that wasn’t alive before, but I hadn’t fully opened my eyes yet. I placed myself in another toxic situation shortly after, but not without remaining alert. The way I see it, these lessons needed to be learned, even if they were learned the hard way, and I’m so grateful for what I know now.

I lived in Minneapolis for close to three years until I decided to leave for the dream of being a nomad, which landed me in aforementioned job. When everything went awry, my inner defeat squashed the desire to travel and I wasn’t sure what to do. I knew I didn’t want to stay in Nebraska, so made my way back to Minnesota where I would be living with the boyfriend I left behind seven months prior. The trip up there, moving back into our old place, unpacking my things — my intuition was tugging at my insides, telling me something was incredibly off. (Intuition is a wonderful gift, my friends — embrace it!) It screamed, Don’t unpack your car, get out! And while I left almost everything in my car for a couple days, I eventually unpacked after deciding to bravely talk to him about my feelings, which resulted in a tiring two-hour gaslighting session that had me questioning my entire perception of our situation.

For those who don’t know, gaslighting is when one causes a person to doubt his or her sanity through the use of psychological manipulation.

It was happening again — everything that happened before I left the first time; everything I had suppressed until it crept into my head and heart again. But that time it was different: I knew right away that something was off, despite being made to feel like a delusional basket case. You must be asking yourself, Why didn’t you just leave right away? Psychological and emotional abuse are interesting like that. I’d been convinced that I was imagining everything; he had me doubting my intuition, doubting myself. He played like such a kind and caring guy, so concerned with my well-being, and I thought it was best to stay because no one else would deal with my supposed insanity. I was so lucky to have him.

Skip ahead a few weeks to me sitting on the floor of Barnes and Noble, determined to unlock his nonverbals and understand what I’d been blind to for so long. In my determination to convince myself I wasn’t crazy, I found body language, which helped me escape from that toxic relationship that was sucking the life out of me…for good. I hope these lessons prevent anything of the sort in my future, and I want them to help you too.

Seeking Truth

I zipped through You Can’t Lie to Me by Janine Driver — I don’t think I’ve read any other book with that much eagerness and intent. Soon after finishing, I decided to use everything I could remember and take my first swing at an official “interrogation”. My hands shook and my chest was tight as I sat on our living room floor, waiting for him to get home from work. I was never good at embracing conflict, in fact I often avoided it if I could — hence why I got myself into more than a few unfavorable situations.

There was a lot more to the relationship than the fact I believed my partner was cheating, and some day I hope to share more about the psychological games we played. Because this is a post about body language and deception detection, cheating will be the focus, and I’ll begin with some reasons for why I came to the conclusion that he was cheating in the first place:

Intuition: Before I left Minnesota the first time, an uneasy feeling about him would creep into my gut from time to time, but rarely did I think much of it. When I moved back to Minnesota, he asked me if I’d ever cheated on him; I said no and then asked him the same. His response matched mine, but I felt very strange when I heard his answer. Researchers have studied and explained something called thin slicing, which is our ability to subconsciously, in the blink of an eye, notice details quicker than our conscious awareness. My subconscious registered something off about what he said, and had I not felt strangely, I might have believed him. When your intuition is telling you something, listen to it, but occasionally you may need to dig a little deeper and verify.

The Well Technique: He called me after leaving work one day to say he'd be a little late because he needed to stop at Target near the office to grab something for his camping trip. I asked if he could pick me up and we’d go to the one near our house. “Well…actually I’m going to Walmart, it’s closer anyway.” I said Walmart was fine, I wanted to go either way. “You know what, I think I still have enough fire sticks. I don’t need to go.” What his real plans were, I’ll never know, but it appeared that I ruined them. When people answer a yes or no question beginning with Well, they’re buying time to think of an answer, and you’re going to have to work a bit harder for the truth. Go back to asking the original question again and give them another chance to be honest.

Long...Pauses: He’d been hanging out with an old friend from college who I’d never heard about until she popped back into his life suddenly. He told me he had plans to hang out with her later in the week and I asked what they were doing. “.....[brewery in Minneapolis].” Normally I wouldn’t have asked questions, but I finally learned it’s better to ask than remain silent. He ended up cancelling their plans the day of. Maybe he realized I was suspicious and wondered if I’d swing by? I wouldn’t have, but I sure did think about it. Naturally we pause a little before saying something, but you’ll know when one lasts longer than usual. When someone takes a longer-than-usual pause, their brain is going over the real answer, and then gathering what to say instead. You’ll have more work to do.

I Would Never: This last one is much more simple, and a phrase he would use often. “I would never cheat on you...I would never hurt you. I would never!” When someone says I would never, it doesn’t mean they didn’t do it. Janine Driver explains in You Can’t Lie to Me, “‘Would never’ indicates intent for the future — it does not talk about the past.” Keep an eye (or ear) out for a person who is spending a little too much time in Neverland.

*Keep in mind as you continue to read about my experiences with this person and deception, that each behavior deviated from both his normal and nervous baselines. I spent a lot of time observing him and gathering information about his norms.

First Interrogation

While this one wasn’t my best work, I have to give myself some credit as it was my first. What I did well was observe and reflect afterwards; what I needed to improve on was remaining calm and neutral, and asking better power questions. My nerves were going crazy and it definitely showed on the outside — I couldn’t quit anxiously rubbing my leg during most of the conversation! I began my dialogue explaining why I was concerned, but without directly asking if he had cheated on me.

A giant puff of air escaped his mouth, he briefly pulled his head back and looked down. He had little response to what I said, so I continued to explain a timeline of events and he pulled the collar of his shirt away from his neck, still hesitant to make total eye contact. He drilled his middle and index finger into his temple as he looked down and to the side. When he finally met my gaze again, his eyes looked tired and glassy, his nose was a little red. What I had there was my first cluster of more than three lying hotspots.

Deep Breath: When people are being deceptive, their breathing rate may change and they’ll often hold their breath. People may also breathe a deep sigh as a way of physiologically relieving stress. Either reason could have been why the deep breath of air came out of him after realizing where the conversation was heading and it was his turn to talk.

Physical Distancing: When we don’t like something, we want to get far away from it. When there is no option to physically run away, we will distance ourselves by moving our body or head/face away from the person, thing, or words that we don’t like. When he pulled his head back, it seemed he was subtly taking the flight option between fight or flight. Liars often do this because they’re trying to subconsciously take a step back from the lie(s) they’ve told.

Lying Eyes: Some people say that a liar won’t give much eye contact, others say that a liar will give too much eye contact. You should only judge the amount of eye contact someone gives you if you have their baseline. This person typically gave good eye contact, about 60-70% of the time, and when he instantly decreased it, I noted the deviation from his baseline. What I was more concerned with though was the fact that he looked down while avoiding eye contact — a move that can signal shame. We tend to look down when we feel embarrassed or ashamed, like a kid who just got caught doing something naughty.

Ventilation: As stress or anxiety increase, the face and neck will flush with blood. He appeared to be feeling very uneasy and needed to cool off, thus leading to pulling his collar away to ventilate. It’s more common to see this gesture in men; women might pull their hair up off their neck for the same reason. (I also mentioned his nose turning red, which happens for the same reason: stress. That’s why you will see some people touch their nose when lying.)

Glazed Eyes: It’s a lot of work trying to actively deceive. It’s tiring and difficult to lie, and our bodies don’t like it. As deceivers’ brains are working extra hard to process everything and figure out their lies, they might give a tired, glassy-eyed stare.
 

As the conversation went on, I noted plenty more red flags for deception. For the sake of not making this post too long, I’m going to move to the conclusion of my first interrogation.

At that time, I was inexperienced in the question-asking department. I had no idea where to go when he was giving me nothing, and he eventually started to see that. I went in circles repeating myself, trying to get something out of him — he started to smile. Not a kind and happy smile, but a very subtle ha-ha, gotcha type of smile.

Duper’s Delight, a term coined by Dr. Paul Ekman, is an expression (smile) that some liars show when they find great enjoyment in having the ability to con others. It’s very hard for them to hide, but so easy for us to spot. It confused me at the time and I felt the need to give up, so I did. From there his whole demeanor changed; a beaming arrogance swept over his entire being. He went from cowering and closed off to fully open and expansive. I felt defeated in some ways, but I took notes and got better.

Second Interrogation (A Year Later):

I mentioned that some downfalls the first time around were my nerves and lack of power questions, but that changed dramatically the second time. Joe Navarro says when you’re looking for the truth, your role should always be neutral and at ease. I went in with an open mind, open body language, and unmovable confidence. I inevitably made some mistakes, but damn I felt good afterwards.

This time when we discussed infidelity we were eating dinner outside in the backyard, which was a better setting than inside on the living room floor. He was much more exposed and in good lighting. We had somewhat of an upset the night before and I asked him if he wanted to talk about it right then or later when he got back from his friend’s house; he wanted to talk before leaving.

I started by relating the previous night’s upsets to my concerns from our first chat — he froze in his chair. His legs didn’t move and he tightly grasped the plate in his lap throughout 75% of our conversation. Once again he claimed to have no idea what I was talking about, so I whipped out some of my new moves.

I decided to create a mind virus with a simple bait question, “Is there any reason why someone would tell me you’ve cheated?” While it didn’t play out quite like I thought, I pulled a lot of information from his response, or lack thereof. He could have responded with a straight No, but he evaded the question and moved his focus to who would have told me he cheated. Chase Hughes, author of The Ellipsis Manual, says “‘Who is your informant?’ implies the presence of an informant.” Therefore, it was likely that someone could have told me, but no one had, it was merely bait.

After several minutes of him asking me who gave me my information, and me responding that I couldn’t tell him, he said, “I really didn’t do that,” with his chin slightly down and his eyebrows raised high. He said it again and then I asked, “Why should I believe you?”, another tool that I gained from Janine’s books. An honest person would say something like, Because it’s true or Because I’m telling the truth, but all I got in response was, “I don’t know,” accompanied by a shoulder raise and a brief head shake.

Let’s look at his distancing language: didn’t do that. Liars will try to distance themselves from a crime by pushing the language away from anything too specific. Think about Bill Clinton when he told the world, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.” I also asked what it was that he didn’t do, hoping he would get more specific with that, but still I got nothing.

How about the eyebrow hold? When we want to make sure what we are saying is being understood, sometimes we raise our eyebrows to get approval. When there is no approval received, the eyebrows might remain raised, signaling a feeling of helplessness, or grasping at straws.

We talked more and he steered the conversation off track a couple times, into areas that had little to do with the topic, like his stressful job over a year ago. I let him speak and I also let there be silence when I would have normally kept talking. Deceptive people don’t do well with silence, they’ll do almost anything to fill it. By keeping my silence at the right times, he kept giving me more and more cues to confirm that I had been dealing with a very dishonest person.

Remember how I said he had a friend’s house to go to that night? After a while, he grew distracted by the time and needing to leave. I wondered why he would want to leave so badly during such a serious conversation that needed to be resolved. I shouldn’t have let him go, but I did, and in that time I wrote down everything I saw throughout part one of that interaction. Later when he got back home, we sat on the couch in the living room and he was much more at ease. He gave me a lot more eye contact and seemed more self-assured. He had plenty of time to think of how he should proceed…

There were a couple moments when it appeared like he was about to tell me something, but he continuously brought up my informant — he was very stuck on who might have told me.  I was beginning to feel trapped because I had no real informant and I couldn’t name one or I would have blown my cover. So I decided to just blow it and tell him I made it all up. I could see the relief wash over his face and he laughed a little. I confessed it was all a tactic.

I expected that he would be angry with me, but he only looked relieved. I explained that I had a feeling for a long time that there was something he was hiding, and I continued to allow silences. I maintained open body language and watched him intently. I gave him a Not Your Fault Anecdote, meaning I tried giving him a way out, an excuse for whatever it was that he had done, hoping he’d confess. Even with all of my learned tactics and remaining calm and neutral, he wasn’t giving in — aside from a cover story, topped off with a lot of fake disgust, to pull the attention away from whatever it was he had locked up inside.

I realized I didn’t need him to say anything. Through the lip-locking, finger-fidgeting, eye-blocking, deep-swallowing, killer-contempt, nose-and-mouth-touching — the numerous red flags — his body language told me everything. The thing with narcissists is that they will rarely confess to their wrongdoings, even if you catch them right there in the act. Although I didn’t end the second interrogation with a confession, I left it with a mission.

I learned a lot by watching him, but eventually I felt stagnant and tired of the games, so I repositioned the focus to myself. I knew it was time to leave him again and embarked on a journey of personal growth while I planned my way out.

 I have so many more examples within those two “interrogations” and throughout our relationship, but my story doesn’t revolve around me trying to crack the case of did he cheat? It goes deeper than that. I learned to look within myself and discover the reasons why I attracted him and others like him for so many years. These are the stories and lessons I hope to share in the future…

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

—ANAIS NIN

Do you relate?
Care to share?

Comment below and let your truths set you free…