Body Language Lie Detection: Pseudoscience That Saved My Life
Originally written in 2018 during my “Body Language Coach” days, revised May 2026. I've since developed a more critical view of body language as mostly pseudoscience — you can read about that evolution here. Some of the tips and tricks below can be useful, but I’ll leave that up to you to research and decide what to take and what to toss. I’m republishing this as an artifact of where my journey began.
I realized I was a gullible people pleaser after a job blew up in my face and almost left me stranded in Los Angeles. Moving back home to Nebraska felt like an utter failure, so going back to Minnesota seemed like the only option — even if it meant moving back in with him.
Intuition tore at my gut, Quit unpacking! Put it all back in your car and go!
I chalked it up to paranoia’s attempt at screwing things up again. Yet for days, the majority of my belongings sat in the car and I remained vigilant. The time away and a fresh, new start could have changed us, I thought. We could simply pick up where we left off and do things better this time.
But my gut persisted…Get the hell out!
Following several days of questioning my decision to return, I bravely told him it felt like he was hiding something, that I saw him platonically, and I’d be looking for somewhere else to live. Two hours later, I freed the rest of my belongings from the car and warily accepted that I was “home” again.
It wasn’t long before the gift of a second chance began to mirror the life we had before my initial departure. Everything that had been buried and forgotten gradually started to creep back into consciousness.
Despite those two hours of gaslighting and being made to feel like a delusional basket case, I still knew deep down that something was off.
Nevertheless, I stayed.
On the surface he was a gem — the kind of guy your friends and family would want you to hold on to forever — although behind closed doors, our home life told a different story.
But where was the evidence? How do you even begin to prove the insidious effects of psychological abuse?
You Can’t Lie to Me
Although there were more sinister aspects of the relationship outside of my hunch of infidelity, it’s initially what led me to venture into body language and deception detection training.
With determination to confirm I wasn’t crazy, I soon found myself on the floor of Barnes and Noble, picking through books in the psychology section. It was there I discovered a book that seemed to change everything…slowly, but surely.
I flew through You Can’t Lie to Me by Janine Driver — I’d never read a book with that much eagerness and intent. On top of offering new life skills, the book validated each reason why the suspicion even sprouted from my mind.
Thin-Slicing and Intuition
One night soon after moving back, he asked if I’d ever cheated on him. I said no and asked the same; his answer matched mine, but I felt strange when he said it.
Thin slicing is our unconscious ability to, in the blink of an eye, notice details quicker than our conscious awareness. My subconscious registered something off about his response, and had I not felt so strange, I would have believed him.
It’s worth listening to intuition when it barks at you — although, sometimes it’s good to dig a little deeper and verify.
The “Well…” Technique
Months later he called me after work to say he needed to stop at Target near the office and would be late. I asked if he could pick me up and go to the one near our house since I also needed a few things.
“Well…actually I’m going to Walmart, it’s closer anyway.” I said that was fine, I wanted to go either way. “You know, I don’t need to go. I think I have everything for camping.” What his real plans were, I’ll never know, but it seemed I ruined them.
When someone answers a yes or no question with well…,they’re likely buying time to think of a false answer. Ask the original question again and give them another chance to be honest.
Long…Pauses
He started hanging out with an old friend from college who never seemed to exist until then. They had plans to hang out later in the week and when I curiously asked what they were doing, he replied, “…um, going to [brewery in Minneapolis].”
Normally I wouldn’t have asked questions, but learned it was more productive to do so. He ended up canceling their plans the day of.
We all naturally pause before saying something, but when someone takes a longer-than-usual pause, their brain may be going over the real answer, and then gathering what to say instead.
I Would Never
This last one is much more simple, and a phrase he would use often. “I would never cheat on you...I would never hurt you. I would never!” When someone says I would never, it doesn’t mean they didn’t do it. Janine Driver explains in You Can’t Lie to Me, “‘Would never’ indicates intent for the future — it does not talk about the past.” Keep an eye (or ear) out for a person who is spending a little too much time in Neverland.
As I continue to explain my experiences with this deceptive person, remember that each behavior deviated from both his normal and nervous baselines. A lot of time was initially spent observing his norms.
First Interrogation
After reading Janine’s book twice, I felt ready to take my first swing at getting the truth. As we sat on the living room floor, my nerves went haywire and it definitely showed on the outside — I couldn’t stop rubbing my shin.
I started out explaining my concerns without directly asking if he was cheating on me. A giant puff of air escaped his mouth, he briefly pulled his head back and looked down. There was no verbal response to what I said.
I continued to explain a timeline of events and he pulled the collar of his shirt, still hesitant to make eye contact. Next, he drilled his middle and index fingers into his temple and looked down at the floor as he searched for words. When he finally met my gaze again, his eyes looked strained and his nose was red.
That was my first cluster of more than three lying hotspots…
Deep Breath
When people are being deceptive, their breathing rate may change and they’ll often hold their breath. The deep sigh comes as a way to physically relieve stress.
Physical Distancing
When we don’t like something, we want to move far away from it. When there is no option to physically run away, we create distance by subtly moving our torso, head or face in the other direction.
Liars often do this because they’re trying to unconsciously take flight from the lies they’ve told.
Ventilation
As stress or anxiety increases, the face and neck flush with blood, thus leading to pulling a collar away to ventilate. It’s more common to see this gesture in men; women might pull their hair up from their neck for the same reason.
I also mentioned his nose turning red, which happens for the same reason: stress. That’s why you will see some people touch their nose when lying.
Lying Eyes
Eye Contact: Some say that a liar doesn’t give much eye contact, and others say they give too much. You can only judge the amount of eye contact someone gives if you have their baseline. In conversation, this person typically gave it 60–70% of the time, and the instant decrease was a bold deviation from his baseline. If someone doesn’t normally give a lot of eye contact and is suddenly staring at you while talking, that’s also telling.
Looking Down: It’s common for people to shamefully cast their eyes downward when they feel embarrassed or in the wrong, like a child who’s been caught doing something they shouldn’t have.
Tired and Glassy : Keeping up with lies is tiring and difficult, and the brain has to work extra hard to conjure up deceptive stories and make sure not to contradict them. It often leads to the tired, glassy-eyed look I mentioned.
As our conversation went on, I noted other possible red flags, but those were the most obvious and telling. At the time, I was an amateur who had no idea where to go when he was giving me nothing, and eventually he started to see that.
I spun in circles repeating myself, trying to get something out of him — he smiled. Not a kind or happy smile, but an eerie ha-ha-gotcha! type of smirk.
Duper’s Delight, a term coined by Dr. Paul Ekman, is a subtle smile that comes from enjoyment in having the ability to con others. It’s extremely difficult to hide, yet so easy to spot.
Perplexed and defeated, I gave up and let it go. From there his whole demeanor changed from cowering and closed off to fully open and expansive. A beaming arrogance swept over him.
His immediate flip let me know I wasn’t finished…
Second Interrogation (A Year Later)
I realized my major mistakes the first time around — the visible anxiety and lack of power questions — and with more studying and observation, the second time went much differently.
Body Language Expert, Joe Navarro, says when you’re looking for the truth, your role should always be neutral and at ease. I went in with an open mind, open body language, and unshakeable confidence.
We sat together in the backyard, a much more ideal setting than our dimly lit living room. Some truth seekers recommend an outdoor setting because people supposedly feel more exposed in broad daylight.
We had an upset the night before and I asked if he wanted to talk about it then or later when he got back from a friend’s house; he wanted to talk before leaving.
I began relating the previous night’s conflict to my concerns from the first interrogation — he instantly froze in his chair. His legs didn’t move a muscle and he tightly clutched the dinner plate to his lap throughout 75% of the conversation. Once again he claimed to have no idea what I was talking about, so I yanked out some of my new tools.
First I created a mind virus with a simple bait question, “Is there any reason why someone would tell me you’re cheating on me?”
While it didn’t play out as I imagined, a lot of information came from his response, or lack thereof. He could have responded with a straight No, or the like,but he evaded my question and focused on who would have told me he cheated.
Chase Hughes, author of The Ellipsis Manual, says “‘Who is your informant?’ implies the presence of an informant.” Therefore, it was likely that someone could have told me, but no one had, it was merely bait.
After several minutes of him poking me to admit who said it, and me asserting that I wouldn’t, he raised his eyebrows, “I really didn’t do that,” he claimed.
Here’s what stood out:
Fig Leaf Position
Freezing and clutching the plate over his lap was a variation of the fig leaf position, which is when people place both hands in front of the genital area (commonly seen when people have their photo taken.)
This happens when someone feels vulnerable and exposed; it’s a way of emotionally protecting themselves.
Distancing Language
He told me he didn’t do that. Similarly, while under fire for the Monica debacle, Bill Clinton infamously told the world, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.”
Liars often try distancing themselves from a crime by pushing their language away from specifics. “Didn’t do what exactly?” I countered, hoping he would get more specific with that, but he wouldn’t elaborate.
Eyebrow Hold
When we want to make sure what we are saying is being understood, sometimes we raise our eyebrows to get approval. When there is no approval received, the eyebrows tend to remain raised, signaling the feeling of helplessness, or grasping at straws.
He repeated his claims of Not doing that and I asked, “Why should I believe you?” — another trusty tool from Janine’s book.
An honest person would say something like, “Because it’s true” or “Because I’m telling the truth”, but all I got was, “I don’t know,” accompanied by a single shoulder raise and slight head shake.
As we continued, he steered the conversation off track into areas that had little to do with the topic, like his stressful job a year prior. I listened carefully as he spoke and also allowed awkward silence when I would have normally filled it. Deceptive people don’t do well with silence and will wait endlessly for you to speak instead.
Silence is a useful tool — deceptive people often rush to fill it.
By keeping my silence at the right times, he kept giving me more and more body language cues to confirm that I was, and always had been, dealing with a very dishonest person. After a while, he grew distracted by the time and wanted to escape to his friend’s house. I should have insisted on us resolving things, but he left, which gave me time to take notes.
When he returned hours later, we sat on the couch in the living room and he was much more at ease. He gave a lot more eye contact and appeared very self-assured. He had time to plan his responses.
There were a few moments when he looked ashamed, like he was about to tell me something, but instead he continued to ask about my informant. The more he prodded me for information that didn’t exist, the more I felt trapped — naming a random person could have blown my cover. I decided to blow it anyway and confess that I made it all up.
He laughed and sighed as relief washed over him. I expected to be met with anger, but only saw a man who was so comforted by the fact that it was all a “silly fabrication.”
The feeling of being lied to didn’t subside and I let him know it still felt like he was hiding something. Upon realizing I wasn’t done, his demeanor flipped yet again.
I maintained open body language, allowed silence, and watched him intently.
Finally, I offered a Not-Your-Fault Anecdote, meaning I tried giving him a way out, an excuse (like his stressful job) for whatever it was that he had done, hoping he’d confess.
But even with all of my learned tactics and remaining calm and neutral, aside from a cover story topped off with a lot of fake disgust, he wouldn’t give up whatever he was protecting.
The Confession
The thing with narcissists and sociopaths is that they rarely admit to their wrongdoings, even if you catch them in the act. He didn’t need to confess, and I didn’t need to know the gory details.
Through the lip-locking, eye-blocking, deep-swallowing, killer-contempt — the numerous deception cues — on top of my intuition, I knew everything…
There was no trust, no healthy communication, and I was miserable. Although I didn’t end the second interrogation with his confession, I left it with a mission: Operation Get Out.
Exhausted and done with his games and narcissistic abuse, I focused my mental energy on analyzing how I fell into that situation twice, why I stuck around for another two years, and how I could leave him without putting myself in danger.
Ultimately I had to confess to my own shortcomings, and then figure out how to change and avoid similar circumstances in the future.
It’s been over four years since I packed up and left again, but that’s a story for another time — you can read it here.
Nowadays I’m torn on whether or not I fully believe all the human lie detection and body language pseudoscience out there. Regardless, I’ll always be thankful for finding it so many years ago.
Reading books like You Can’t Lie to Me and What Every Body is Saying helped me recognize what I was dealing with and gave me the push I needed to leave for good. Understanding why I kept ending up in situations like that — that took much longer.
“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ”
