The Grim Guest: Life and its Inevitable End

Originally published on July 14, 2019; edited and republished November 2021

When I was young and, like many teenagers, full of emotions I didn’t understand, it seemed to me that dying would be the only way to escape all of my hurt and confusion. I often considered how I’d want it to happen, each way by my own doing. Would I down a bunch of pills, stand in front of an oncoming train, jump off a high bridge? All I knew was it had to be quick and painless.

My teenage years seemed so dramatic. I was obsessed with the dead and dying. I hung out at cemeteries and tried connecting with spirits through the Ouija board. My internet history sometimes consisted of extensive research on the quickest, least messy ways to die. I recall a few times where I sat in my room with heavy music blasting through the speakers, a pile of sleeping pills at my side, and the idea of taking them all and drifting away into an eternal slumber. Would it hurt; would I be free; would I be missed? Life didn’t seem to matter, but a tiny flame inside kept me going.

My relationship with Death is a lot different now. I don’t embrace the idea anymore, I’m really terrified of it approaching me too soon. It’s interesting how differently I see things now compared to my younger years.

A couple months ago, I laid in bed trying to sleep, but my mind was racing and extreme anxiety filled me as I realized, This will all end and one day I won’t exist. Have you ever just sat there and pondered that fact — like really let it sink in? I felt so sick. I got up and walked around to quit stewing in my thoughts, but when I laid back down, I hugged my sleeping husband and just kept thinking, Some day we’ll be gone and I won’t be able to hug you like this.

I let those thoughts go after a few days, but the topic came back to me recently when I saw my uncle on his last day, before he died of a year-long battle with pancreatic cancer. I wish I got to know him better, but what I do know is he lived an incredibly full and exciting life and had so many amazing family and friends to surround him in his final days. He lived! While I sat on the couch looking through his scrapbook, I wondered to myself, What is he thinking about? Has he accepted his fate, or is he scared and unwilling? I wanted to ask him, but didn’t because it seemed weird.

When Death paid him a visit that night, did he feel ready to go? I keep wondering, but will never know until it’s my time. I hope I’m ready when it is.

When these kinds of thoughts cross my mind, I fear driving. I actually love driving, but it can be terrifying. I was seventeen when my best friend’s mom died in a car crash, something that still affects me at times. Careless drivers on the road send me into a rage at times because my life feels threatened. Two months ago, an 18-year-old girl who had just graduated lost her life behind the wheel. A few weeks back, four young girls from my hometown lost their lives in a car accident, and now another just last week. How many more around the world just today?

The idea of me or a loved one dying because of another person’s carelessness or cruelty seems extremely unfair, yet it happens all the time. Someone loses their life, and others lose someone they love.

I don’t believe in an afterlife, so for me it seems like the lights go out and that’s it. Nothing more. It’s understandable why people came up with post-life concepts like Heaven or reincarnation. I suppose the idea that there could be eternal life makes death less frightening. I’m just not convinced yet...

In the past, I welcomed Death to my door in order to forever hide from Life’s unfriendliness. It was a common notion. These days when I get really down on myself, an ideation will quietly slip in and back out of my mind, but it doesn’t last long because I’ve since learned to love and appreciate life. We only have one, so why waste it?

Despite all the obsession with suicide I had growing up, I don’t think I ever really wanted to die. I was afraid of my feelings because I didn’t know how to handle them yet. I was scared of failing and not being enough. I didn’t feel accepted or loved, and never thought I’d deserve to be. I would have rather run away from Life than push forward and take a chance to build something amazing.

I’m enjoying my life journey, even when I stumble into the darkest spots. I feel like there’s still so much to accomplish and learn and I don’t want to quit going. I’m not done here yet, and for anyone who needs to hear it, neither are you.

Life is too short for us to constantly beat ourselves up, to not believe we deserve good things and settle for less. We shouldn’t waste our precious time on people who bring us down or activities that don’t fulfill us. It’s important to appreciate the time we do have, and not take loved ones for granted. I aim to someday soon feel at peace with my “impending doom,” because living in fear is no way to live at all.

Take a moment to reflect on what’s good in your life. Tell someone how much they mean to you. Do something selfless or kind! The inevitable Grim Guest will stop by some day, but for now...

Let’s brave this world and make the most of it! We’ll have plenty of time for sitting in a dark hole later.

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