We’re All Crooks: A Candid Look at Our Crooked Ways
Originally published on April 23, 2018, edited and republished November 2021
I am a Liar
It was a difficult realization to come to and actually admit to myself. Eventually the honest reality of my life was bound to slap me in the face and shout, "Here I am, there's nowhere to run now!" — and that it did. All the lies I was unknowingly telling myself and others surfaced as curiosity about the part I played in each of my tragedies and dilemmas — I could have brushed them off, but I decided to dive deeper into them.
I’d been lying by telling myself and others that I’m a one-hundred percent honest person, subtly insinuating that I’d only been a victim who never lies, but who is constantly duped and lied to (and failing to see the dramatic parts I played in many situations.) I’d lied by not recognizing my own motives in relationships, only seeing how I was being taken advantage of by friends and lovers. I’d lied about my abilities and overall happiness to keep up the façade that I have my shit together and am killing it at the game of life. Along with several other deceptions that we’ll dive deeper into throughout the stories to follow.
It all started in January of 2018 with the self-deceiving thought that I was magically healed from five years in an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship in Minnesota just because I left, and ignoring the reality of what still festered within. Then came the thought that I was ready to handle the confusing beginning stages of falling for a guy I connected with right when I moved back to Nebraska. Plus convincing myself I wanted to use body language to coach sales and business folks, then landing a bunch of overwhelming networking coffee dates where I was lying to myself and people about who I am and my goals. From all of this sparked a mind-bending mental breakdown in my car on the way home from one said coffee date, followed by several days of numbing depression and never-ending tears that left me asking myself: What’s wrong with you? Why can't you just get your shit together!?
I guess sometimes it takes a breakdown to have a breakthrough. Looking back, I realize my mind and body were sending me thunderous warnings all along, but I was never one to listen to myself in that way — I was too darn worried about everyone else.
Keep in mind that I have no aim to defend my choices, decisions and poisonous patterns in all this — rather, my goal is to grow from them — but if you start to judge me as a liar, or think I'm a terrible person, just remember: your judgments mostly have to do with you, not the person(s) you’re judging. What will you see in me that you don’t care to see in yourself? How uncomfortable it will be to realize, too, that you’re as much of a liar as I am, if not more. We are all liars in one way or another, but to varying degrees.
If you’re not actively exaggerating and lying to the strangers you meet or the people you know, the lies you tell yourself will likely make up for that. It’s been found that the average person (you and I) lies at least once, but usually two or three times in a ten minute conversation, and we are lied to around two hundred times per day. That is a lot of lying, my friends. It makes me wonder how many total lies we’re telling and receiving when self-deception is factored in, but we’d all need to recognize it, or at least have the desire to. I hope this blog will motivate more people to expose their own crooked ways and strive to be more candid with themselves and others.
I want to believe I’ll stop deceiving myself now as I uncover all the lies I’ve been telling myself and other people for the last thirty-some years. And what a strange realization to come to. Only a few years ago I was obsessed with human lie detection, preaching to the whole world about honesty — I considered it one of my top five values — yet, I’ve been dishonest, and I lie to myself the most.
If we’re lying to ourselves, how honest can we really be with others? I hope to say I’m just a candid gal someday soon, but for now I’m still a crook here to tell you many of the ways I've deceived. I welcome you to join me on this journey because while the stories I tell are mine, they’ll likely relate to yours. As I start to reveal my innermost secrets, perhaps you’ll be able to uncover yours. As I remove my many masks and discover who I truly am, I hope that you can discover the true you as well.
I mean...we gotta live with ourselves for the rest of our lives. Although it sounds cheesy, it does seem pretty important to know, accept and love the person we’re stuck with forever, right?
Why Honesty?
You may be asking what the importance of beginning to be more truthful with yourself is. Let’s start this answer off with a quote:
“Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways.”
Our unexpressed (and unaddressed) emotions, our innermost thoughts and desires, may be masked or may come out in ugly ways such as: drinking too much, and too often, to try numbing or forgetting our pain; harming strangers and loved ones with raging fists, uncomfortable silence, or unretractable words, to avoid being vulnerable and healthily expressing our anguish; injecting our veins and filling our lungs with drugs to escape a harsh reality we’re terrified of facing; using people and relationships to move our focus to others and away from ourselves because damn, it can be hard to love and care for yourself, especially if you’ve never felt worth loving and caring for!
One of the greatest ways we can harm ourselves with dishonesty is by not asking deep questions and searching for our real answers: by not knowing our true selves. By first recognizing the need to dig into who you truly are, and then doing it, you’ll likely find some flaws, characteristics and patterns that you don’t like, meaning there could be a lot of necessary change that must happen in order to grow. Change is scary! For some odd reason, we humans try to avoid this necessary part of growing and creating an overall peaceful and fulfilling life.
When I first began this journey years ago, I started asking myself at least one introspective question per day, along with journaling, meditating, attending Codependents Anonymous meetings, and working the CoDA Twelve Steps. Step programs don’t work for everyone, but I found the Fourth Step, which involves a ton of self-reflection by making a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourself, extremely helpful. I was afraid of what I’d find and avoided some of the questions at first, but I found that the most uncomfortable questions were the most important ones to answer.
In one of my early 2018 journal entries I talked about being frustrated that I quit drinking, networking, and talking to the new love interest all in the same week. I started spending quality time with myself and worked to banish my unhealthy habits, but I just wanted to quit thinking and writing about my pain, drink a bunch of beer and whiskey, and care for anyone but myself because that’s what I was used to and it seemed soooo much easier to keep it that way. I had to accept that my life desperately needed to change direction and slowly-but-surely quit stopping myself from changing it. It’s been a long, miserable (yet rewarding) road already, and it just keeps getting longer and more complicated the farther I go down it. But I know I must keep going regardless of the obstacles I run into.
I’ve since written several notebooks worth of my thoughts, feelings, life experiences, and lies on paper. I’ve cried and bitterly called myself names, furiously punched my bed and the air, screamed inside my car and into pillows, and isolated from friends and family at times out of feeling overwhelming waves of guilt or shame. I’ve gotten so goddamn mad at myself in the moment, but following my rage and sadness always comes an incredible sense of healing. The feelings and emotions are no longer being pushed away and trapped inside.
I began accepting and unleashing my feelings and no longer feel the need to weigh myself down and hold myself back. I’ve been able to begin flourishing into the sensitive, creative, wonderful person who has been locked away for too long.
If you’re feeling afraid of moving forward, of asking yourself important questions, sometimes fear is the best indicator of all. It’s telling you not to resist this change, you need it! But know that this work is never easy, it just gets easier. It is also never-ending; there isn’t one day where you just wake up and feel you’re done growing as a person. Life is all about continuous learning and growth until our last day here, so let’s make our best efforts to be better than we were each day before, until that day comes.
The future is bright, my friends.
Do you relate?
Care to share?
Comment below and let the truth set you free.
